The brown Oscars

As usual, the only desi representation at the Oscars this year is via weepy documentaries (Salim Baba), war movies (Charlie Wilson’s War) and Shekhar Kapur (Elizabeth: The Golden Age). India’s entry, Eklavya, did not make the cut for the foreign film Oscar. Bollyfans are reduced to rooting for a guy who once did a Hanif Kureishi film 20 years ago and a guy who off-handedly mentions Shiva on screen.

Screw that. Presenting the brown Oscars:

Actor	Hrithik Roshan. Kidding! Irrfan Khan. Hands down. Or Kay Kay Menon in Black Friday.
Actress	Bollywood actresses don’t get roles, they get placeholders. But if you had to choose, Shabana Azmi in Umrao Jaan (technically the end of ‘06), and Konkona Sen Sharma in virtually anything.
Supporting actor	Arshad Warsi’s and Sharman Joshi’s entire careers
Supporting actress	Wonderbra, supporting actresses from Goregaon to Nariman Point
Animation	The opening credits for Taare Zameen Par
Art direction	Saawariya the photo shoot. Wait, there was a story?

Cinematography	Eklavya, that John Woo ripoff
Costume design	The main reason to watch all Bollyflicks
Documentary	Traffic Signal, an incisive analysis of Indian politicians, i.e. roadside pimps
Film editing	Whoever made Jiah Khan look older than the age of consent in Nishabd
Foreign film	The Tamil film industry
Makeup	Riya Sen. You do not want to see her morning face.
Music written for motion pictures	Rabbi Shergill, Delhii Heights. There’s any other kind?
Short film	Taare Zameen Par came in at a svelte 2 hours
Visual effects	Rekha’s plastic surgeon, for her Om Shanti Om cameo
Sound mixing	Whoever cut most of Shah Rukh’s melodramatic stuttering from Om Shanti Om
Adapted screenplay	All Hindi flicks
Original screenplay	What’s this now?

Ok, this is stupid — most of these categories don’t even apply to Bollywood. Let’s try this again:

Best transcription of a Western script	Cheeni Kum, for lifting two different movies from two different continents
Best weeper	Sandhya Mridul in Honeymoon Travels
Most airheaded female archetype	Sonam Kapoor in Saawariya
Best subtitles	That flick I saw which translated the cuss ‘Main tujhko urha doonga, saala gaandu chutiya‘ as ‘Darn it’
Most annoying sidekick	Rajpal Yadav
Best script	Loins of Punjab
Winkiest cameo	Sanjeev Bhaskar in Jhoom Barabar Jhoom
Best in-joke	The first half of Om Shanti Om
Best ‘Nooo!’ scene	Bobby Deol ripping apart a CD case in Shakalaka Boom Boom. If I were a CD, I’d be afraid.
Best dance scene	(Tie) Aishwarya in Guru and Madhuri in Aaja Nachle
Tackiest item number	Jiah Khan wrestling a garden hose in Nishabd
Most gratuitous use of eyeliner	Salman Khan in Saawariya
Most pointless waste of screen time	(Tie) Golmaal: Fun Unlimited and Delhii Heights
Best comedian + best villain	The marvel called Boman Irani. With Ranvir Shorey on second place.
Worst acting / best hair	Arjun Rampal
Abs gained / abs lost	Shah Rukh Khan / Shamita Shetty
Most blatant NRI brown-nosing / DDLJ remake	Namastey London
Most likely to become an all-time classic	Shakalaka Boom Boom
Lifetime achievement award	Suneel Darsan. Between Shakalaka and Talaash: The Search Begins, Darshan’s invented a more humane method of capital punishment: watch this crap, decide to shuffle off this mortal coil by yourself.