This is so much better than sausage-fencing

Freaky-eyed kid from every movie last year: I am the new Caesar. I glare well. Respect my authori-tay.

Mr. Darcy: [In British accent, like a true Roman] I must protect you. [Throws battle-axe]

Henchman: You know I’m a bad guy because of my facial tattoo. An axe hit me off-screen. [Shrugs] Cheap CGI. [Roll the Wilhelm Scream]

Krishna Bhanji: [Stammering and bug-eyed] Aishwarya Rai! Shouldn’t you be rolling around in the snow in Switzerland? [Suavely] You know, I’m the only one on set who knows you’re a star…

Mira: I am an authentic Malayalee Charu’s Angel. I’m a seventh-level expert in kalaripayattu. [Slips] Umm… you didn’t really need that finger. [To Darcy] I fear I will wear granny knickers all my life. How do you like them Tatas?

Mr. Darcy: Please ignore the scene when where I point a knife at your hips in a 7th -grade sexual metaphor. I am actually sexless and wear funny jumpers. But I wouldn’t kick your kundi out of bed. May the South ride again. [Mira climbs into bed. Darcy puts sindoor in her hair. Fade to black. Audience boos.]

[Battle: three Slovakian extras run around flapping their arms]

Mr. Darcy: We’re up against a thousand men, maybe more. How ever will we survive?

Token: I’m black. They’re going to kill me off, aren’t they. [Expires]

Krishna: Fear my flaming fireballs, which look lamer than the Mahabharata serial. [Shrugs] Cheap CGI.

Freaky-eyed kid: War sucks! [Tosses sword, which just happens to stick upright in a stone. Freaky-eyed kid is now the quarterback for the Miami Dolphins.]

[And the grand finale:]

The Weinstein Co. release The Last Legion, featuring Ben Kingsley in an action tale set in ancient Rome, tanked with just $2.6 million… finishing at No. 12. [Link]

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