A fan is born
by J.

For the past couple of days, all Indian news channels have focussed on one thing. Reporters have been stationed “on location”; everyday passers-by have had cameras and microphones thrust into their faces and been asked to give their opinions and make prophecies. India has, it would seem, only one thing on its mind and no, it’s not the political situation in Pakistan (it’s yet another military coup in a country that has a track record of establishing military dictatorships every twenty-odd years; what’s the biggie?). The subject of all this journalistic effort is the clash of two Bollywood titans - Sony Pictures’ foray into Bollywood with Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s Saawariya and superstar Shah Rukh Khan’s newest release Om Shanti Om.

Om Shitty Om
by manish

This movie bites. I guarantee it.

What can I tell you about the depressing, shabbily-plotted Om Shanti Om except that it’s a movie by a choreographer with a lamer plot than pr0n? That the oft-repeated line ‘abhi baki hai, mere dost (there’s more to come, my friend)’ is a taunt, not a promise? That an oiled construction worker scene is Shah Rukh’s coming out party? That washboard abs (take that, ‘Sharara Sharara‘) are the true stars? That the world’s biggest cameo scene, like clowns and dwarves, is a gimmick which proves there’s nothing else going on? That the crap scripts from Bollywood make Korean and Chinese films look sublime?

Who would conquer the market? Which would be the better film? Will newcomer Sonam (daughter of ex-hero Anil Kapoor, who indulged in botox and a body wax when making his comeback a couple of years ago) charm the nation or will it be Deepika Padukone (daughter of India’s badminton legend - yes, we have a badminton legend -
Prakash Padukone)? Would Ranbir Kapoor’s act of dropping the towel fill the country’s drool buckets or would long-time heart throb, 42 year-old Shah Rukh Khan still pack more of a punch with his newly-acquired six pack?

This six pack, by the way, has been splashed all over newspapers, magazines and hoardings with such gay abandon (pun intended). This past month, it’s been impossible to go anywhere without finding yourself looking at Shah Rukh Khan’s well-oiled and scarily muscled self. Everything concerning the six pack has been written about except the point that it makes - that Shah Rukh Khan is delightfully arrogant and his director Ms. Farah Khan has a wicked sense of humour. There are too many gags in the film that prove this but here’s a selected list to prove my point.

The man behind Bollywood’s most cloying and sappy family dramas with unbearably corny dialogues, Sooraj Barjatya, is shown as a young writer who eavesdrops outside actors’ dressing room and notes down the idiotic things they say to use as dialogues in the future. Deepika Padukone as Shantipriya stars in “Dreamy Girl”, a more than obvious take on 70s darling and “Dream Girl” Hema Malini. Padukone is saved by Shah Rukh Khan when there’s a fire on the sets just as Nargis was saved by Sunil Dutt during the shooting of Mother India. In an ode to the film Karz whose songs Om Shanti Om and “Dard-e-Dil” became chart toppers, Om Shanti Om has borrowed the title and the song “Dard-e-Disco”. Jeetendra, famous for doing a mean twist in tight white pants and shiny white shoes, shakes a leg in a song while the muscle men of Bollywood - Salman Khan, Saif Ali Khan, Sanjay Dutt and Shah Rukh Khan - do a coyote ugly on the bar.

Sanjay Leela Bhansali gets a poke when a screenwriter tells Shah Rukh Khan the details of a character he is to play in a film. The character is deaf, blind and mute and has no arms or legs. How’s that for a central character who battles adversity? Move over Black (see picture on right of Rani Mukherjee from the film), Mr. Bhansali’s magnum opus where his central character was blind, deaf and mute. During the shooting of said film, Shah Rukh Khan, limbless in a wheel chair with dark glasses to show blindness, adds a nuance to his character by picking up a marigold and spewing it out to shower its petals over his lady love as she gets married while he watches (without actually watching, naturally). Even Shah Rukh Khan’s friend and reputed lover, bigwig producer-director Karan Johar isn’t spared and Farah Khan sticks her tongue out at his formulaic films. Shah Rukh Khan’s character is nominated for best actor for his performance in two films that are spoofs of Johar’s movies and their clips show the exact same sequence of actions. The differences are the colour of Shah Rukh Khan’s sweater, his leading ladies and whereas one has the actors looking teary, the other has them beaming.

At an awards’ function set in the present day, instead of getting people to play other actors, real Bollywood celebrities show up. For a dig at rumours of Shah Rukh Khan being bisexual, all the hot heroines and one failed actor coo they are “just good friends” with his character in the movie. Shabana Azmi, arthouse diva and activist, comes decked to the nines and says angrily into the camera, “This awards function is being held on property that has been built what used to be slums. I’m here to protest against the destruction of the slums.” Three minutes later, she’s doing a little tango number with Shah Rukh Khan. Abhishek Bachchan comes with an ego the size of a house and says he’s the natural choice for best actor. The little showreel for his nominated film, Dhoom 5, says, “This time, he doesn’t have a bike, or car, or chicks. Because this time, he’s not even in the movie.” Akshay Kumar, instead of pulling his gun’s trigger with his finger as regular people do, sticks the gun into his crotch and with three vehemently masculine thrusts shoots the bad guys. If you’re watching this without any idea of who Akshay Kumar is, it’s only ridiculous. When you know of Kumar’s reputation of being the stud who can’t do a movie without having an affair with his co-star, it becomes sublime and ridiculous.

And of course, there’s Mr. Khan and his six pack. It took a moment for me to get it but when he showed up wearing almost nothing and doing a move distinctly reminiscent of the choreography from a song in Kaho Naa Pyar Hai, I finally realised why those abs have been on display. The über cool Om Kapoor, son of a yesteryear matinee idol and star of superhero films like “Mohabbat Man”, is Mr. Khan’s jibe at Hrithik Roshan (see left), famed for his monstrously built-up body. Consequently, every time Shah Rukh Khan lets his diaphanous shirt part to reveal his oiled pecs, I had to giggle at how it mimicked Hrithik Roshan’s much-flaunted and abnormally-rippling muscles. And so it is that I have been converted. I am now officially a fan of Shah Rukh Khan and Farah Khan.

With all the hoopla and expectation around these films, reviews started came in fast and furious by Thursday to prime audiences who would queue up for tickets for Saawariya and Om Shanti Om opening this Friday. Since I refuse to subject myself to Saawariya, which is supposed to be inspired by Dostoyevsky’s short story “White Nights”, I don’t know how accurate or inaccurate they are. I’m just rather chuffed that A.O. Scott had to watch this three-hour Bollywoodisation of Dostoyevsky and that he found Rani Mukherjee “divine”. All the reviews of Om Shanti Om said that it was funny and that it was an ode to the kitschy flamboyance of 70s Bollywood, which is reason enough to go to see the film. Then all the reviews embark upon a retelling of the film’s plot. Which is pointless because the fun in the film has almost nothing to do with the plot but with the unapologetic and cheeky potshots director Farah Khan takes in this fond tribute to her beloved industry. Not just in the 70s but now. And for some reason, none of the reviews I’ve seen mention this wonderful irreverence which is such a shame because this is the stuff that makes films worthwhile. Farah Khan is no Christopher Guest admittedly but she’s come pretty damn close in this film.

That Farah Khan is unacquainted with subtlety? That the movie rips Phantom of the Opera, The Ring, and Jaan-e-Mann? That this could have been a great Gothic horror film if the director had any talent? That any movie with Shreyas Talpade is guaranteed to suck? That the movie takes circular shots from Hindi serials and makes villains listen to long moral speechifying without interruption? That self-congratulatory end scenes introducing the filmmakers are like film fest Q&As where all you can do is mouth silently, ‘You’re bad at what you do, and I want my three hours back’? That the only update Karz needed was the fabulous ‘Om Shanti Om’ club remix?

No. What I say to you is Om Shanti Om’s parody of Karan Johar NRI flicks is hilarious. Its spoof of Tamil films is racist but funny. It tips its hat to Indian Superman. Its ’70s sequences, old-skool actor parodies, digital insertions and badminton dance are brill, though Jaan-e-Mann did it first. The recurring musical theme is haunting and memorable. Akshay Kumar with a crotch-gun is a nod to Austin Powers fembots and this bra-and-gun scene.

But if references added up to a movie, Scary Movie would be good film. Catch these clips on YouTube and leave the remaining two hours, forty-five minutes for suckers who actually fork out for Farah Khan phlims.